Why Am I So Defensive? And Why High-Giving Women Are the Last People You Would Expect It From.
- thespiralcoaching
- Jan 13
- 3 min read
Updated: Mar 23
If you asked most people to describe a defensive person they would not describe a High-Giving Woman.
She is warm. She is giving. She shows up for everyone. She is the last person in the room to make it about herself.
And yet.
Watch what happens when someone criticises her. Even gently. Even kindly.
The subject changes. The silence descends. The temperature drops by approximately ten degrees. She does not shout. She does not argue. She simply withdraws. Goes cold. Withholds the warmth that everyone around her has come to depend on.
Or she reverses it entirely.
Suddenly it is not about what she did. It is about everything she does. Everything she has always done. For everyone. Without complaint.
"I only did that because I wanted to help." "I was just trying to make everyone happy." "I guess I can never do anything right around here."
And the person who raised the concern finds themselves apologising. Reassuring her. Telling her how much she is appreciated. The original conversation is completely forgotten
She was never going to say sorry. Because in her mind, she was never wrong.
This is defensiveness in a High-Giving Woman. And it looks nothing like what most people expect.
Here is why it happens.
She has spent years making herself smaller. Putting everyone else first. Saying yes when she meant no. Swallowing her own needs to keep the peace. She has given and given and given without ever once asking for anything back.
So when someone criticises her it does not just feel like feedback. It feels like a fundamental injustice. After everything I have done. After everything I have sacrificed. This is what I get.
The defensiveness is not about the specific moment. It is about every moment that came before it.
And underneath all of it is something she would never say out loud.
Fear. Of not being enough. Of being rejected. Of the love being conditional. Of being seen as failing at the one thing she has built her entire identity around. Being the one who holds it all together.
Here is what I know from working with High-Giving Women.
The defensiveness is never really about the argument. It is about the exhaustion of someone who has been performing competence and selflessness for so long that any suggestion she got something wrong feels like the whole performance is about to collapse.
And the saddest part is this.
The same woman who cannot accept criticism cannot accept kindness either. Cannot accept help. Cannot accept compliments. Cannot receive anything at all without it triggering something uncomfortable.
Because receiving, in any form, requires the same thing that facing criticism requires.
Vulnerability.
And vulnerability stopped feeling safe a long time ago.
Understanding where your defensiveness comes from is not about blaming your past. It is about finally making sense of a pattern that has been quietly costing you your closest relationships.
That understanding is where everything begins to change.
If something here resonated The Receiving Wheel is a free coaching tool that helps you understand exactly where you are closing off and why. It takes ten minutes, and it might name something you have been carrying for years.
Or if you are ready to explore this work more deeply your first conversation with me is completely free.
Chat soon x
Senem 🌀
Identity Coach for High-Giving Women
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