The most expensive word you use on yourself is.... When!
- thespiralcoaching
- Aug 18
- 3 min read
When this project finally lands.
When I get the promotion.
When I make the squad.
When I finally switch careers.
When my body finally looks the way I want.
When there's enough money.
I'll finally breathe. I'll finally feel like I've earned my place. I'll finally start living.
Sound familiar?
Here's the problem.
The finish line moves.
Land the project, and the next one starts before you catch your breath.
Get the promotion, and you're already eyeing the next title.
Make the squad, and now it's about starting. Get picked for your country, and now it's about staying there.
Hit your number, and somehow "enough" needs a little more.
"When" doesn't arrive. It relocates.
I see this show up in two very different ways.
Pattern one: when as a safety net
Some of you aren't really chasing the goal.
You're using the distance to it as protection.
Because getting there means something changes.
The new job brings visibility.
The promotion brings more responsibility, more power, more people looking to you.
Making the squad means being seen, and having to perform when you're there. A call-up to the national team means every game is watched a little differently.
Losing the weight might mean finally getting the attention you've wanted, and discovering how it feels to actually be seen.
The goal can start carrying a much bigger question underneath it:
Am I enough for what happens when I get there?
So staying close, but never quite there, can feel safer than finding out.
You can be incredibly ambitious and still have a part of you quietly keeping the finish line at a safe distance.
Psychology calls this the upper limit problem.
I think of it as waiting in the doorway of the life you say you want.
"I changed my job, finally, after so many years at a standstill and living in fear. I realised my value and gained real confidence in myself." Mina, Interior Designer
Pattern two: when as a moving reward
Then there's the opposite.
You go relentlessly after it.
You train. You plan. You execute.
You get the promotion, the body, the win.
And then...
So what?
A few months in, you're flat. Detached. Bored inside a life that, on paper, is exactly what you said you wanted.
The goal did what you asked it to do.
It just didn't give you the feeling you thought it would.
Psychology calls this the arrival fallacy.
I call it winning and still feeling like you lost.
"We achieved promotion, but the biggest success was who I became throughout the season. I felt more balanced, more confident, and it positively impacted me and the people around me. I can't wait to continue our work next season." Confidential Female Football Player
Same word. Different pattern. Same cost.
Two years putting off the decision you already know you want to make.
Five years waiting to enjoy what you've earned.
Seven years chasing the next milestone because the last one didn't quite land.
Ten years living for a life that starts "after this."
Months like January or September makes it worse.
New season.
New term.
New goals.
New "when."
And if the pattern underneath hasn't shifted, it can simply become this year's version of the same story, with a different date on it.
This is the part of my work I love most.
Watching a woman finally close the gap between chasing success and actually living inside it.
Whether that's earning her place in the starting line up, stepping into the boardroom as the leader she's already becoming, changing career, building a business or simply feeling like herself again.
I'm not here to help you hit the target faster.
I'm here to help you understand what's happening underneath, so you can achieve what you want and actually enjoy the life you're creating.
"The 10 sessions have changed so much. I've launched my dream business, my relationships have improved, and I finally feel 'in love' with me. Worth every bit of the time and effort. I wish I'd done it sooner." Sarah, AI Business Owner
If you recognised yourself in either pattern, let's talk it through.
I offer two pathways 'Success, Written By You' for high-acheiving women and 'Performance That Includes You' for women in sports.
30 minutes. Private. No obligation.
Here's to living now, not after.
Senem 🌀
About The Spiral Coaching
The Spiral Coaching Ltd is led by Senem Palaz, identity coach with over 20 years’ experience supporting more than 700 people through life transitions.
The work centres on helping women recognise patterns of self-abandonment, avoid burnout, and build a life that includes them.
All coaching is private, one-to-one, fully online, and confidential.
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