Abandonment Trauma in Women: Why You May Be Abandoning Yourself Without Realising
- thespiralcoaching
- Apr 21
- 3 min read
When You Have Lived Abandonment, The Last Thing You Expect Is to Abandon Yourself
If you have ever been left by someone who was supposed to stay, you will recognise this feeling. It doesn’t always show up in words. It shows up in how you move through life.
You may hesitate before relying on someone. You might find yourself giving more than you receive. You hold everything together while quietly leaving yourself out of it.
I know this not just professionally, but personally. I was abandoned by my mum at sixteen. One day she was there. The next, she wasn’t. I know what that does from the inside, not from theory, but from lived experience.
Something became clear much later: being left by someone you love leaves a mark. What often follows is a pattern of leaving yourself.
What Abandonment Trauma in Women Can Look Like
Abandonment takes different forms. It could be a parent who left, a parent who stayed but felt distant, a partner who disappeared, or a relationship that ended without explanation.
If you’ve lived it, you’ll feel the thread. From the outside, life can look full, even successful. You’re capable and reliable. You are the one people turn to. You manage work, relationships, and responsibilities.
Yet underneath it all, something feels off. This is often described as abandonment trauma or fear of abandonment. In real life, it feels quieter than that.
You may experience:
Overthinking
Emotional tiredness
Difficulty asking for help
A sense of always being “on”
The Pattern Nobody Talks About
When someone important leaves, especially early in life, something settles underneath the surface. A quiet meaning forms. It stays there, shaping how you relate, how you decide, and how you show up.
You might:
Keep people at a distance
Rely only on yourself
Become the strong one in every situation
Give more than you receive
Feel uncomfortable being fully seen
These patterns don’t feel dramatic. They feel normal. Abandonment trauma in women can become identity.
How Self-Abandonment Shows Up
Self-abandonment is rarely obvious. It looks like:
Saying yes when you mean no
Putting yourself last without thinking about it
Losing touch with what you need
Carrying everything without pause
Feeling responsible for everyone and everything
You become highly capable yet quietly tired. Socialising can feel like effort. Rest can feel unfamiliar. Being seen can feel exposing.
The Tension That Sits Underneath
There is a pull to keep everything steady. You want to avoid anything that might lead to loss again. At the same time, a deeper part of you craves ease, connection, and space.
So you keep going. You give, you manage, you hold. Somewhere in all of that, you disappear from your own life.
What Actually Changes Things
This work is not about adding more structure or another plan. It’s about understanding the pattern. Where it began, how it formed, and what it has been holding in place.
I am an ICF-trained identity coach, and this work focuses on the patterns women carry, especially self-abandonment. When that understanding deepens, something shifts.
Decisions become clearer.
Boundaries feel more natural.
Energy starts to return.
Life begins to include you again. Without forcing it. Without a plan or to-do list in sight.
If you recognise yourself in this—the strength, the responsibility, the quiet exhaustion—you adapted. You protected yourself. The pattern made sense at the time.
The question now is whether it still fits the life you want to live.
A Quiet Next Step
If something in this has stayed with you, you don’t have to sit with it on your own. I offer a free virtual coffee chat. It’s a calm, confidential space to talk things through and see if this kind of work feels right.
You can get in touch to book your free virtual chat here.
Further information on coaching programmes is available. I offer 4, 8, and 12-week options along with transparent pricing information and flexible plans.
About The Spiral Coaching
The Spiral Coaching Ltd is led by Senem Palaz, an ICF-trained identity coach with over 20 years’ experience supporting more than 700 people through life transitions.
The work centres on helping women recognise patterns of self-abandonment, avoid burnout, and build a life that includes them.
All coaching is private, one-to-one, fully online, and confidential.
Important Note
This article reflects personal and professional experience and is not a substitute for clinical mental health support. If you are experiencing significant distress, support from a qualified therapist is recommended.
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